Snow White, As Told by Ld'A
by lettres d'amour
Summary: My version of Snow White's tale. Ch 1Knitting, Dragons, and Birthday Presents


**CHAPTER ONE:  
KNITTING, DRAGONS, AND BIRTHDAY PRESENTS**

Once upon a time, there lived a king and a queen. They ruled a kingdom far, far away called Snarnia. They had a daughter, Princess Snow White.

When the princess was born, the royal couple decided to name her Snow White for her unusually pale complexion. Later on, the king decided that "Snow White" was not politically correct, so upon the child's first birthday, she was bestowed a politically correct name as a birthday present. She was renamed Extremely Pale (Bordering Albinism) Caucasian or EP(BA)C for short. She became the first in the kingdom to have parentheses in her name.

EP(BA)C was an active child. She enjoyed being outdoors with the wild animals that lived near the castle. Her idea of a perfect Saturday afternoon would be singing with the birds or feeding acorns to the adorable squirrels. She liked to frolic in the meadows with the woodland creatures, and there was nothing like a refreshing walk in the woods under the lush, green trees. However, her mother did not share her opinion.

"Where are you going now?" asked the queen.

"Out," replied EP(BA)C.

"Out where?"

"Outside, for a walk in the woods."

"Again? Didn't you just go early this morning?"

"Yes, but since I have nothing good to do now, I thought to myself: '_What better thing to do when you're bored than taking a walk or feeding squir-- _'"

"My dear, there _are_ better things to do than going out into the woods you know," interrupted the queen. She had heard the same monologue 153 times before, and she did not feel like hearing it for the 154th time. "Knitting is a good way to pass the time."

"Knitting, Mother? But I can't knit!"

"Nonsense! Anyone can knit!"

And so, EP(BA)C went along with her mother to the next meeting of the palace knitting club. Contrary to the queen's belief, not anyone can knit. EP(BA)C certainly cannot! In fact, she was extremely inept. No one in the knitting club ever said anything about the princess's apparent lack of skill in the department since the queen seemed to be under the impression that her daughter was the epitome of a knitter. And they did not want to risk being charged with treason.

Then, tragedy struck in the quiet kingdom of Snarnia. It was a beautiful day. The sun shined brightly in the sky as birds sang songs about the goodness of waking early to catch worms. In the meadows, daisies and buttercups were in full bloom as fluffy bunnies and deer (suspiciously resembling Bambi) frolicked without a care in the world. It was a perfect day to be outdoors, but alas, poor EP(BA)C was stuck inside the stuffy castle knitting. The queen was aware of her daughter's morose state and decided to hold the knitting club meeting outside at the palace courtyard that day.

"A little fresh air would not be so painful," the queen laughed. "What could happen? It's not like a dragon would crash in our courtyard, seriously injuring or killing everyone there."

The queen did not know how ironic her words were. A dragon was flying crookedly home after drinking itself into oblivion at a tavern. "Ninety-nine barrels of ale on the wall! Ninety-nine barrels of ale! Take one down and pass it around, ninety-eight barrels of ale on the wall!" sang/slurred the inebriated dragon.

"Is that a dragon?" asked one of the queen's handmaidens, who was a member of the esteemed knitting club.

"Nonsense! Dragons have not existed in these parts in years! The last dragon was spotted by my great-great-grandfather, Fiery Red, also known as Short-Tempered Native American for the sake of political correctness or S-TNA for short. Brave man, he was. Books have been written about him, Ballads sung--"

"But, your highness! There is a dragon flying above us right now!"

The queen paused in her knitting to glare at her handmaiden for interrupting so rudely and was about to continue her laudation of Fiery Red, also known as Short-Tempered Native American for the sake of political correctness, or S-TNA for short, when a shadow from above fell on the group of knitters. "Dragon!"

"Oh really, your highness, I did not notice," said the handmaiden sarcastically. "We should alert the guards and head for safer grounds."

"Nonsense! We aren't in danger in any way! Dragons are just misunderstood creatures. My great-great-grandfather said so in one of his books,_ Dragons for Dummies_."

"But--"

"Listen! It is singing an ancient dragon folksong!" Strains of _Ninety-nine Barrels of Ale_ could be heard from afar. "What a jovial creature!"

"But the dragon! Something is happening to the dragon!" shrieked the frantic handmaiden. "We must flee!" Something was indeed happening to the dragon. It seemed to be passed out from the large amount of alcohol it had consumed earlier and had started an unplanned descent.

"Mother! We must flee and fast!" concurred EP(BA)C.

"Nons--" That was when the unconscious dragon ended its free-fall.

Many members of the unfortunate knitting club perished that day, including the queen herself.

The people of Snarnia mourned for the loss of their beautiful, albeit naive queen. Many attended the funeral, including the king of Gansfrarnia, but he was thrown out when he tried to kiss the late queen while exclaiming, "The kiss of true love will bring her back!" After that infamous incident, rumors of necrophilia floated around the Gansfrarnian court.

Years later, EP(BA)C received yet another strange present from her father for her sixteenth birthday.

"Guess whose birthday it is today," asked the king in a singsong manner.

"MINE?!" EP(BA)C had been looking forward to that day for an entire year! She would be darned if she did not know her own birthday.

"Yup! And guess what I got you!"

"A new diamond tiara?"

"Nope."

"A silk gown?"

"Nope."

"A pony?"

"No, but you're close."

About twenty different guesses later... "A private island in the Bahamas and a monkey butler to boot?" asked the princess. She was beginning to grow tried of the guessing game.

"No, you give up?"

EP(BA)C let out an exasperated sigh."Yes, I give up. Tell me, please Father!"

"A new mother!" exclaimed the king. EP(BA)C raised her eyebrow quizzically as the king grinned ear to ear. Then, he went into the next room and returned with a woman on his arm. She was tall and slender, with red hair cascading down her back like a bloody, macabre waterfall. "Rubilocks, meet my daughter Extremely Pale (Bordering Albinism) Caucasian or EP(BA)C for short. EP(BA)C, say hello to your new mother."

EP(BA)C found herself staring wide-eyed at the woman and quickly composed herself to curtsy politely to her new stepmother. "Pleased to meet you, Mother."

Rubilocks eyed the princess with disdain. "This is your daughter, Snow White?" She sneered.

The king winced, but not because of Rubilocks's obvious dislike (he seemed to be the only one oblivious to that), but because of the lack of political correctness. "Yes, my love. This is my daughter. But she is _our_ daughter now." He grinned and gestured to his, sorry, _their_ daughter. "The Princess and sole heir to the throne of Snarnia," he said proudly.

Rubilocks narrowed her greenish-purple eyes, which were speckled with aquamarine flakes, at the younger girl. EP(BA)C silently wondered if such eye color was possible in the laws of genetics, but then again her mother and more than half of the knitting club was killed by an inebriated dragon in a bout of irony so anything could be possible. The owner of the strangely colored eyes gave the Princess and sole heir of Snarnia one last look of disdain before briskly leaving the room without a word.

EP(BA)C was a bit hurt and confused by her new mother's sudden exit; she blamed herself for not taking the news well and not making enough effort to make a good first impression. Her eyes started to water and fill with unshed tears. The king reached over and pulled his daughter in for a hug.

"There, there, EP(BA)C," the king said as he patted his daughter's head. He brushed away a crystalline tear that fell from her emerald eyes. "Rubilocks is just as wary of you as you are of her. You'll warm up to each other in time!" For some strange reason, EP(BA)C seriously doubted that.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
